...AND WHERE I STAND

*** I wrote this article in July 2015. My husband(then an acquaintance) read this piece and fell in love with me.(that's what he says. lol)

So my Auntie called this morning to ask about what I plan on getting for my cousin who is getting married next month and the rest of our discussion became a sermon. How smart she is! A perfect opening speech to discuss relationship issues again. I cringed to listen to her and at some point had to even end her statements for her. Don’t be surprised if I make the exact statements she makes every time.  Truth is, this is about the umpteenth time we’ve had this discussion so I’m used to her ‘chorus ‘now.

Although I partly agree with what she says sometimes, I have questions rising from the amusing comments she makes when talking relationships.  There are two favourite statement of hers, ‘you can have dreams and ambitions, but you shouldn’t have too much of that because you may threaten a man’ and the second one, ‘There is no perfect man, all men are the same, if you say you’re going to wait for that perfect guy, you’ll wait for long. Just be with the man who loves you and respect you and act blind in your relationship and you’ll be just fine’.  

Interesting points there, but I think I must clarify something here for my fellow amazing ladies to get things right. I must note here that I stand to be corrected if I go wrong because what I’m about to discuss is my opinion and you all know what they say about opinions...

On to my first question: where in the Holy Bible have we been told not to have bigger dreams or goal and strive to achieve that goal? This scripture may not really relate to my argument but I am convinced enough that what the Apostle Paul wrote in the book of Philippians that he presses on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called him in heavenwards in Christ Jesus, explains to every Christian, which I proudly am, that we should focus and strive to achieve our God-given purposes in life.

 If anything at all, the Apostle Paul talked about love and marriage, so why then did he not talk to women not to be too ambitious when he asked wives to submit to their husbands? Get this point straight today; when the scripture says wives should submit to their husbands it doesn’t mean you should kill your dreams for the man to be happy. It never means you shouldn’t be too ambitious to achieve that goal of obtaining your PhD. Nowhere does that scripture explain that wives should forgo what they aim to achieve and sit at home to worship a man and make him feel as the head figure in the family. If there’s anyone to worship, it should be your immortal creator and not a fellow human being who can be struck down at any point in time.

Turning away from the scriptures, it’s worth asking what we’re here on earth for. The answer to me is simple; to fulfil or accomplish the task God has given us to perform on this earth so that our generations will live to enjoy the benefits thereof. No matter how huge or great that task is, one has to focus and do anything to fulfil that purpose or at least die trying. 

So if my Creator has given me an assignment, who is man to tell me not to focus too much on achieving that purpose? I once came across this beautiful statement and I quote, ‘Each gifted man needs a gifted woman to help him to fulfil his objective, destiny and purpose in life. The male and female should be of one mind in doing the work of God’. A brilliant quote there! Assuming this statement is indeed true, which I actually think it is, and then I ask again, where does this explain that a woman should not be too ambitious?

 I can rightly deduce from this statement that, a woman should be purpose-driven and goal-oriented enough to even match up with the man who is also expected to be on the same level as the woman in terms of achieving a common purpose. Again, the two people must be ad idem with each other in doing the work God has brought them here to do. 

 So I ask, how can a less ambitious person be with the more ambitious to fulfil a task? How can a woman, who is so smart, be advised to act dumb so that a man would not feel threatened? How would you describe such a relationship? Is the man doing right by the woman? Is the woman being fair to herself and to God?  

God has given you the talent and the grace to fulfil a higher calling and society tells you to limit those goals because men will run away from you. Really? If God indeed approved of this societal myth, then why did He give you that smart brain of yours and the grace to achieve whatever purpose he has placed on your heart? Spare me this myth! It’s rather a shame that girls are still being raised to cater for the fragile egos of men.

 I find it disheartening what a renowned writer, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie once said; ‘‘we raise girls to cater to the fragile egos of men. We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We tell girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful; otherwise you will threaten the man... we teach them shame, we make them feel as though by being born female they’re already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot see they have desire. They grow up to be women who silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think. And they grow up- and this is the worst thing we do to girls- they grow up to be women who turn pretence into an art form’’. 

How sad!  Now, the people who don’t fear to tell the truth and fight for what is right are termed feminists and are described as bad influence. No problem! If I have to fight for what is right and tell the truth and I will be described as a bad influence, oh! Then I gladly stand shamelessly to call myself a feminist! Yes, I am one and I am not ashamed to fight for my fellow women and tell them the truth. 

I agree totally with what Dr. Maya Angelou once said and I quote, ‘’I’m a feminist. I’ve been a female for a long time now. It’d be stupid not to be on my own side.’’  I am a feminist who believes in love and strongly believes in marriage and vehemently opposes divorce but I will never limit my aspirations just to be with someone. No! After all, if indeed I am a gifted woman and there’s a gifted man who can join me and be of one mind to fulfil our purpose, then there’s probably such a man who would never feel threatened or intimidated or have his ego ‘killed’ by a woman’s aspirations.

Now to my next mind-boggling issue; ‘there is no perfect man’, says who? Take this from me today, the Holy Book is very old but I take a position to say that it’s the most current book I’ve ever come across. Why do I say so? It’s one book that has solutions to everything that happens on this very earth. One just has to play a simple part: only have faith and lean on the promises the Lord has given us in His word.  So if God has promised me in His word to perfect that which concerns me, who then has the guts to tell me there is no perfect man? 

Auntie, I’m so sorry, but if a man should come around a lady and he’s not good, then probably he’s not the one for her. I still take my stand that God will perfect that which concerns me. My partner concerns me, so I strongly believe God will perfect him, period! The good thing I know about the God that I serve is that he is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and not act? Does he promise and not fulfil?

Many ladies have been ill-advised and are now in marriages wishing they were single. They had been told that no man was perfect and so might have ended up with any man; not the gifted man for the gifted woman she is. We are blessed not to find ourselves in that situation so this is the time to make certain firm decisions.  

My fellow single, amazing, affable superwoman, hear me today: never settle for anything less than you deserve. You deserve a perfect man, you’ll have him. You deserve a man who believes in your dreams and will do anything to let you achieve them, even if he has to sell his last jacket. Hold on, you’ll find him. Take this from me today, it’s good to look for something so that you’ll find, but sometimes, when you stop looking, that’s when you find. That person you’ve been looking for might be right next to you. He might be too good to be true because you think he’s perfect. Stop looking for the imperfect guy. There’s a perfect one for you.

If you are already married, all hope is not lost. Redraw your plans again and begin to walk that dream. No excuses please. If it has to be taking care of the children or finances don’t worry. Where there is a will, there surely will be a way. You’ll definitely get along well juggling work and taking care of the home. Remember the Bible tells us that it is God who gives us the ability to produce wealth. If He indeed assigned to you that task, then He’ll surely see you through. If your man thinks your decision will hurt his ego, never mind. Just take everything to the Lord in prayers and focus on achieving your goal.

To the real men out there, I don’t want to believe that your ego is crushed or you feel threatened when you see a woman climbing the ladder of success. If you feel intimidated when you are with a successful or a determined woman, then you have a problem! What is more beautiful than walking with your head up high and being proud of your wife? What is sweeter than seeing your woman walk up the podium to receive awards for you to sit down, hit your chest and say, ‘she is mine?’

 Remember you are a gifted man, you need a gifted woman at the same level with you. Both of you should be of one mind to achieve a purpose in life. Feeling intimidated by her smartness wouldn’t help; neither would acting dumb do so. She is your wife, she will respect you, be at your beck and call and make you happy. Only believe in her dream and support her all you can.

In the end when we meet our Maker, I hope we can boldly account for every talent He gave us to accomplish our tasks and not give excuses that we had to forgo some to please a man.  

I can now put down my pen here, hoping that my fellow women will take a word or two from my thoughts. All the best in whatever you have to do. Strive to achieve your goal or at least die trying.